Soon-to-be-Fatal Attraction
by pretzel-logic
Summary: AU-ish Crack. Eros decides to give Pitch a helping hand or, in this case, love arrow. Too bad Eros's arrows don't work quite right on spirits... Everyone/Pitch eventual Pitch/Tooth background Bunny/Jack and OC/OC
1. Chapter 1

-0-

Enough was enough, Eros decided. The Man in the Moon might not like Pitch but that didn't mean he was allowed to make _everyone_ hate the fear spirit. Pitch did not deserve to be the outcast he was for _doing his job_ and Eros was going to use drastic measures to insure it.

Really, if either of them swung _that way_ this wouldn't be a problem but they didn't and Eros was happily married, kthanxbai.

So one little arrow shot at an unsuspecting Nightmare King as he slept and Eros felt like he accomplished a job well done. Whistling a jaunty tune, Eros flew home to see if Pysche. He was sure she'd be happy to hear the good news.

-1-

Pitch did not think much of his Nightmares' behavior. They were a little more energetic and affectionate but the 'boogeyman' simply assumed the night had been particularly ripe with fear. Awarding the bolder ones with a few affectionate pets and allowing them to lick him, Pitch brushed the small peculiarity aside and left to see to his duties in person.

The left behind Nightmares whinnied delightedly.

"_We have the best master!"_

_"He goes for rides with us and feeds us yummy dreams!"_

_"He names us and forgave us for hurting him!"_

A collective breathy sigh issued from the Nightmares.

_"And those legs~."_

-2-

The first true clue Pitch noticed that something was amiss was when several golden sand creatures swarmed him. Desperately he fought them off in case they put him asleep and left him defenseless to any spirit that spotted him. With no alternative, Pitch fled into the safety of shadows and decided to focus on his work where the Sandman and his creatures_weren't_. Recent events must have really upset Sanderson, Pitch could not recall a time Sandy had attacked him so aggressively.

Finally floating down from his dream cloud, Sandy sighed soundlessly in disappointment. The tall, dark, handsome, mysterious, and refined Pitch got away. Why did the Nightmare King have to be so free-spirited? Did not he know Sandy just wanted to cuddle together as they dreamed happy dreams? They're height difference was so nice, Pitch could probably wrap those deliciously long legs around him and still have leg to spare.

Sandy sighed sadly once more as he tried to comfort his dreamsand creatures.

_Leggy got away_, they mourned.

I know. I know. We'll get him next time.

-3-

Pitch might have been oblivious to the growing situation but, unfortunately, the believers of Jack Frost were not.

"I mean his eyes, Jamie, his eyes. They look like, like... a solar eclipse! Isn't that cool?" Jack asked eagerly as the eight year old gaped at him with horror.

"Cool! Cool!" Sophie parroted cheerfully as she swung from Jack's shoulders. It was a good thing no adults were around to see a levitating two year old but-

"I- uh, I don't know Jack. Why, um, why don't you try talking to Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny. They've known Pitch longer, haven't they?" Jamie suggested as Pippa and Cupcake broke out into giggles from their whispered conversation. At least someone found Jack's sudden, unexplained crush amusing.

Twisting Sophie around so she hanging off the front of his hoodie instead of his back, Jack sat down, wounded eyes wide as he clutched Jamie's sister like a teddybear. "I would but they're fighting over Pitch too!"

"WHAT?" Monty managed to yelp milliseconds before the other Burgess children.

"It's true! They keep arguing over whether Pitch likes Easter or Christmas more. Or, or whether Pitch's fingers or nose are his best feature when anyone _really_ in love with Pitch knows it's his legs!" Jack explained, releasing his hold on Sophie so he could move his hands to emphasize his point.

"Legs! Legs!" Sophie chimed in dutifully. When she received no praise for her words Sophie looked around cautiously and added, "Bunny, hop, hop?"

"Hey, you're right Sophie. Pitch thought Bunny was adorable when he was small. I should get him a bunny! Thanks," Jack said cheerfully, smiling joyfully for the first time since he arrived to tell his believers about how _amazing_ Pitch was. "I better go get one before someone else does. See you later kids!"

Before Jamie could protest, Jack was being swept away from the wind.

"Wow. That was like, a love-spell or something, right?" Caleb asked, hesitantly. Really hoping that was all that was wrong with Jack.

"Yeah... Yeah you're right!" Jamie agreed as everything about Jack's weird behavior made sense. "He's under a spell!"

"So are Santa and the Easter Bunny. Does that mean all the Guardians are?" Pippa asked worriedly.

"Probably but these things work out in all the stories," Jamie admitted before quickly reassuring his friends. "I'm sure Jack'll be back to normal in no time!"

Cupcake huffed, "Eat as much sugar as possible to forget Jack ever visited?"

"I'm in!"

"Great idea Cupcake!"

"Legs, Legs!"

...

"This might be harder to forget than I thought."

* * *

author's note: right, so, why did I take forever posting this on ffnet? I don't know. I'm sorry.

Disclaimer: don't own rotg, William Joyce and DWA do.


	2. Chapter 2

-4-

North's workshop was in utter pandemonium. Organized chaos brought low by Murphy's Law and one love arrow.

Yeti were in hair-pulling, scissor wielding fights with Yeti. Elves were caught up in one massive brawl-for-it-all. Even some Yeti and elves were fighting as they searched every shadow of the workshop desperately for a hint of their love.

"EASTER!"

"CHRISTMAS!"

Not that North was paying attention to care.

-5-

Pitch finally found safety in a timezone an hour or two away from dawn. Apparently it was too late, or perhaps too early?, for Sanderson's work. The timing was just fine for Pitch however as he crafted a few bad dreams to give children early wake up calls. Keeping a wary eye out for Sandy as well as the time, Pitch relaxed slightly as he enjoyed the pre-dawn night and his work.

Then a portal, from one of North's snowglobes no doubt, opened before him. Surprised, Pitch readied his scythe as he waited for North or his Yeti to march through. Instead a mass fighting of elves, there were seve-no, nine, stumbled out as they fought over a tray of cookies. With an amused huff, Pitch allowed his scythe to return to more fluid nightmare sand and approached the elves.

This wasn't the first time elves, up to their usual antics, fell through an activated snow globe.

"What are you lot up to?" Pitch asked curiously.

The elves froze and stared up at Pitch, eyes wide. Strange, he sensed no fear even as two of the elves silently screamed as they pointed at him. Another hid behind a fourth as the remaining five fought over a tray of cookies. Eventually an elf with black garments won the tray from the elf in tie-dye and offered it up to Pitch.

How cute. A peace offering so he would leave them alone. At least Pitch still had some respect, even if it was from North's elves.

"Ah, thank you," Pitch said as he accepted a cookie and smiled as kindly as he could manage at the petite creatures.

A few fainted, more joined the first two elves in silently screaming as they pointed at him.

Disturbed, Pitch used shadows to send the nine creatures back to North's workshop.

Was his smile really that bad?

-6-

A few hours into his hunt and Jack was beginning to realize a few faults with his plan. Like, why were rabbits so hard to find, never mind catch? What if Pitch wanted a certain type of rabbit? What if- what if Pitch wanted Bunny?

Suddenly Pitch offering Bunny to 'scratch behind the ears' had new horrifying implications.

Jack was beginning to hyperventilate. If Pitch wanted Bunny then how could he compete? Bunny was a warrior, had a lot of believers, and a sexy accent too. How could Jack compete with that? He was just a cold to the touch, short and scrawny teenager. Pitch would never chose Jack over Bunny.

But- but- Pitch had wanted Jack. In Antarctica Pitch tried so hard to get Jack to join him and like an idiot he refused. Now Pitch probably wrote Jack off as a loss and was after Bunny.

Well, if Jack couldn't compete with Bunny, he'd just have to make an offer Pitch would have to say yes to.

Now he just needed to find Bunny. Thankfully kangaroo-sized rabbits were a lot easier to find than the wild tiny ones.

* * *

Author's note: So, uh, still don't own rotg.


	3. Chapter 3

-7-

Contrary to popular belief the Man in the Moon was _not_ a silent observer. Very few spirits understood moonbeams however, and even fewer had the patience to wait for a response. Moonbeams might travel at the speed of light but it still took _time_ for them to relay words between MiM and others.

Though no one was listening to the Man in the Moon did not mind terribly much as he continued to describe his new love.

and his legs are just amazing They seem to stretch for miles and are so well

defined And his hair his hair is like raven feathers I just want to get him up here

by rocket ship or satellite and ravish Pitch until he's nothing more than a

pleased puddle of shadow goo-Huh? Oh Sandy Pitch is in Turkey right now why?

No wait you can't have him he's mine

Well _one_ spirit was listening apparently.

-8-

Tooth sighed as she stared at the seven towers that contained the teeth of all the children in the world. Only two were now properly stocked and since one was Antarctica... well, Tooth had her work cut out for her. Pitch better stay away from her for a long time if he didn't want dentures.

With a sigh, Tooth decided 'break time' was over and she needed to get back to over seeing tooth collection. As her fairies spotted her they swarmed her, chirping in alarm.

"Whoa girls, one at a time!" Tooth soothed and indicated Baby Tooth to start.

As she listened the Queen of the Tooth fairies felt a growing sense of bewilderment and dread. Apparently the whole spirit world had gone mad, jumping at shadows and singing _Pitch's_ praises. Even Jack and the other Guardians were affected, all suddenly infatuated with the Boogeyman.

At first Tooth thought Pitch might be behind things but a love spell? Pitch? That hardly seemed Pitch's style. It sounded more like-

"Eros," Tooth growled out. When she got her hands on that meddlesome matchmaker... no, wait. When she was done telling Pysche about her husband's latest stunt he was going to spend _centuries_ in the birdhouse.

AFTER he fixed this of course.

-9-

Pitch was starting to suspect something... _odd_ was going on. Far too many spirits he spotted - from a safe distance, he did attack the Guardians recently. There was no telling how others would react - seemed to be jumping at even the smallest shadows. They weren't jumping in fear however but, excitement. If Pitch had to guess the whole spirit world appeared to be searching for him and not to exact vengeance.

It was beyond baffling. There was simply no way this was normal behavior and yet... if it was a spell how was it affecting so_many_? And why was everyone seemingly after him?

Perhaps someone decided Pitch was simply "misunderstood" and all that was require to "cure" him of his attitude was hugs? ... And then magic'ed/forcibly enlisted the rest of the spirit world to the cause.

"No, that doesn't make any sense," Pitch murmured as he gently rubbed his forehead, feeling a headache growing.

He never noticed the thin but growing golden threads of dream sand behind him.


	4. Chapter 4

disclaimer: As a reminder, I still don't own anything.

* * *

-10-

Pitch supposed there were worse fates. He was having trouble thinking of any but that was more than likely the fault of Sanderson's dreamsand than his lack of an imagination. Afterall he was the _Nightmare King_, he needed to be creative to instill fear in the hearts of man. Familiarity bred contempt.

Still, Pitch never expected the Sandman would want to cuddle _him_. Or, to be more accurate, use him as an all-in-one pillow, blanket, and bed. It was very strange... though it was rather nice as well.

There were definitely worse fates. Pitch was sure he'll be able to think up quite a few... after... a nap.

-11-

"Pitch likes Christmas more! He did not ruin _my_ holiday," North argued smugly.

Bunny smirked. "Just means he saw Easter as the _bigger_ threat."

"Nyet, Pitch wanted to work with me once. Offered to scare naughty children," North insisted.

"Phah, he scares all the ankle-biters North, don't care about any naughty or nice list," Bunny dismissed.

North opened his mouth to continue the argument when a strong cold wind carried Jack Frost into the Workshop.

"Bunny! I need your help!"Jack shouted in his eagerness, practically crashing into the pooka in his haste to get the Guardians attention.

"There trouble, mate?" Bunny asked concerned, reluctantly willing to put aside his argument with North.

Jack was about to shake his head negatively and assure the kangaroo all was well when he got an idea. Quickly Jack nodded his head and pretended to be worried. "Sophie got lost in the woods around Burgess. We're having trouble finding her, think you can help?"

Bunny was all too eager to help when he heard his favorite ankle-biter was in trouble. Jack had to hide a smile. The entrance to Pitch's lair near his lake was back, it would not take much to get Bunny to join him down there. If Pitch wasn't there than he would be eventually. Right?

-12-

Eros was in Hell. There was no way he could be suffering more. Not one, but TWO, women were yelling at him and one of them was his wife! The other was Tooth, which was all kinds of dangerous since she had an army of mini-mes to join in her screeching. Like a cacophony of angry birds.

And his kids, the cherubic cupids, all watched on in amusement because it wasn't often the man being yelled at by multiple women was their _father_. Traitors.

"Look! I'm sorry but I can't fix it!" Eros finally snapped, seriously worried Tooth would saw off his wings if she was allowed to continue ranting.

"What!? Why not? Everyone is going mad out there Eros!" Tooth exclaimed.

"Yeah, which is a really bad sign since Pitch doesn't like men. My arrows, that one in particular, is only supposed to attract partners Pitch would be attracted to. Only way to stop the insanity is the failsafes," Eros explained calmly, relaxing as Tooth did. Pysche still looked unhappy but she was starting to look intrigued too. What was that about?

"And those are?"

"Arrows don't effect family, happily involved with significant other, or people already in love with the target. So a kiss from the first or last will put an end of things," Eros answered with a shrug. Really, two out of the three were in most of his stories, common knowledge really. Man, the Guardians needed to get out more.

Tooth stared at Eros with an amazing poker face before nodding grimly. "Right, okay. I'll go find Pitch and try to keep him from murdering everyone while you track down Mother Nature," she ordered and before Eros could protest the Fairy Queen and her little horde were off and gone.

"Guess I should go find Pitch's daughter huh?" Eros asked rhetorically, waiting for his wife to start back up her angry ranting.

"Hm? Oh no, I don't think so. I think can Tooth and Pitch can resolve things on their own," Pysche said dismissively. "You're still sleeping on the couch until she does though."

Huh? Why would Tooth be ab- Oh. Oh! Well, then. Eros smiled and whistled jauntily.

Mission Accomplished.


	5. Chapter 5

-13-

North knew Jack was up to something. After all the young Guardian was being _naughty_. Jack's plans seemed to be focused on Bunny however and North was willing to let Jack's antics slide in favor of more important matters.

Like winning Pitch's favor. With Bunny, and no doubt many others, as competition, North needed a way to stake his claim and have it recognized. As fit and able to protect Pitch's honor he may be, he still needed to make toys for children. North could not always be fighting off Pitch's other suitors.

"Hrmmm," North grumbled as he stroked his beard and casually watched the chaos occurring throughout the workshop. "AH! IDEA! Everyone, EVERYONE! Stop this fighting! I know how we settle Pitch matter."

A brief calm settled over the workshop as North explained his plan. Excited, the yetis, some with less hair than others, quickly set to work. Elves, in various states of health, eagerly got underfoot in their attempts to help.

Smiling, North watched the activity unfolding proudly.

This was going to be epic.

-14-

The best thing about having an army of fairies to collect teeth spread throughout the world was the ability to communicate with them all at was also the _worst_ thing. Sure, all of her fairies were technically an extension of her but that didn't mean they were her. All her fairies certainly had... unique ways of talking.

01011010011001010111001001101111001000000100111101 101110011001010010000001101000011001010111001001 10010100100000011011010110000100100111011000010110 11010010111000100000010011100110111100100000011100 11 01101001011001110110111001110011001000000110111101 100110001000000101000001101001- Uhg, GROSS! Cavities! Like ew, what was this kid eating? A spoonful of sugar everyday? Worse teeth then Pi- Orrysay onay ignsay ofway Itchpay erehay Ossbay Adylay. Aybemay ouyay ouldshay askway- Pitch! Pitch? PITCH! PITCH! No Pit- Dnuof mih! Dnuof mih! Ydans sah mih! Waaaaaaa os etuc! Yeht era ginpeels.

It gave Tooth a headache trying to decode it all on a normal day in relatively small numbers. It was effective though, she now knew where to find Pitch.

Getting him safely away from Sandy was just something she'd have to figure out when she got there.

-15-

As Pitch started to wake he had the strange sensation he was floating. He grumbled incoherently, not willing to wake up but not wanting to go back to sleep.

Why was sleeping bad? his Nightmares let him rest for once and the only odd dream he had was the one about- Wait. That wasn't a dream!

Now wide awake and alert Pitch tried to sit up. Instead he threw off the small fairies that were carrying him under Tooth's whispered orders. With a loud thud and cry of alarm more than pain, Pitch crashed to the floor.

"Shh! Shh! Pitch, quiet! We can't wake up Sandy or my girls and I will have to try and get you away. Again." Tooth scolded softly, dainty hands covering Pitch's mouth to keep him from shouting.

Pitch pointedly glared between Tooth's face and her hands.

"Oh! Sorry."

"WHAT," Pitch started to loudly demand but quickly quieted at Tooth's angry expression. "What the hell is going on?"

"Eros, malfunctioning love arrow. I'll explain more after we get... out. of. here," Tooth whispered hurriedly, only slowing down when she spotted something, or rather, _someone_ behind Pitch.

Sanderson was awake and apparently not amused.

"Sandy! Hi! Pitch and I were just- RUN!" Tooth exclaimed, grabbing Pitch's arm and carrying them out of the way of Sandy's whips. "Go! Go! Go! Girls! Distraction time!"

Quickly fleeing with Tooth, hopefully to some place where they can actually talk, Pitch took a moment to watch Sanderson get completely smothered under a layer of Tooth's fairies. Sandy always resembled a pillow to Pitch, now he looked like one with its stuffing on the outside.

-16-

Long after Pitch and Tooth were gone Sandy finally managed to put the last of the Fairy Distraction Force (tm). He gave a silent huff of irritation at Tooth stealing away his wonderfully long legged pill-Pitch.

_MiM? Do you know where-?_

I'm not talking to you.

Sandy scowled up at the moon. _Well, fine. I'll find Pitch on my own then and I'll keep him where you won't see me sleeping with those deliciously long legs wrapped around me._ Turning his back the Moon, Sandy started to search for Pitch once more.

Wait. Sandy? Sandy! Wait! Can't we talk about this?


	6. Chapter 6

author's note: Well we're not at the end of this fic yet but I can see the end from here. Sorry this update took a while. I sprained my wrist pretty badly a couple weeks go and it only recently healed up. Also, JackxBunny has officially ninja'd its way into this fill. The things I do for crack.

-17-

Pitch prided himself often on controlling his emotions. Very few spirits ever learned to keep a calm facade in face of what life threw at them.

The Man in the Moon deciding he was outdated and 'evil'? Fine.

Trying to get rid of him by ending the Dark Ages and Pitch's rule over the Earth-bound spirits? Part of their political game by the time the Guardians finally managed it.

Being dragged away by his own creations in a humiliating fashion? ... Admittedly he could have handled that one better.

But this! Here Toothiana was telling him how Eros used one of his thrice-damned love arrows on him and it _malfunctioned_. Now every spirit, except those immune due to the failsafes, wanted him. Including four of the five Guardians.

"I can see why North, Bunny, and Sanderson are affected; workaholics the lot of them. I'm almost glad Jack decided to join you lot over me, you Guardians _clearly_ need his help," Pitch drawled out not quite amused. It was just... sad really.

"Pitch, now is _not_ the time," Tooth chided with exasperation.

"You're right," Pitch agreed easily, startling the Queen of the tooth Fairies. "Now is the time to go to Greece and teach Eros why meddling with me comes with _grievous_ consequences. Like a beheading. Or being trapped in a never ending nightmare. Oh! Or-"

"Pitch! No! Eros is trying to help fix things by- and we should just go to my palace and wait for him! The less normally sane spirits I have to protect you from the better."

...

"Well that was utterly emasculating. I do sincerely hope you don't talk to your lover that way."

"I- what? Lover?"

Pitch rolled eyes. "In case you didn't notice, you're not affected by Eros's arrow. We're not related and I highly doubt you hold any affection for me since you think only someone insane could want me. So that leaves lover, a true one at that," Pitch reasoned to Tooth's shocked face.

Pitch snorted in amusement as he realized Tooth was keeping her relationship with... whoever, a secret. Him, of all spirits, finding out must be humiliating for her.

Good. Let her suffer a little for so ignorantly insulting him. His vindictiveness had nothing to do with feelings of rejection. There was no reason for Pitch to feel rejected over Tooth's total disregard for him and apparent success at finding a soulmate.

Pitch kept telling himself that and prided himself on his emotional control. "Now, since I'm such a _helpless_ burden, I think I will be going home."

He was already starting to leave when Tooth grabbed ahold of his robe and both went sprawling through the shadows.

-18-

Jack was really grateful that Bunny spotted Pitch's Nightmares in the forest. It made getting the Easter spirit into Pitch's lair all that much easier.

Not that the Nightmares were happy to see them but Jack managed to put them on ice easily enough. Having believers was awesome like that. Now just to sit back and wait for Pitch.

"Looks like you got 'em all Frost. Shame Pitch aint here but that might be for the best since you're making sculptures out of his horses," Bunny commented as he rejoined Jack from scouting the area. Bunny stared at Jack amused as the young spirit groaned in sudden dismay. "Anyways, Sophie aint here. Best we keep looking."

"What? NO! We can't!" Jack yelled as he moved quickly to halt Bunny's progress. Why didn't the pooka wear any clothes? Grabbing fur seemed like such a _bad_ idea.

Freezing Bunny's feet to the floor was a _much_ better one.

Pitch and Tooth crashing into the lair even saved Jack from having to 'fess up to fuzzbutt.

Wait. Crash? Pitch _and Tooth_?

"Toothiana!" Pitch hissed like a (sexy) snake. A very angry (and sexy) snake. "I thought I made it quite clear that-"

"But you're lair is the second place Sandy will look!" Tooth hurriedly argued.

Jack and Bunny silently shared a confused look. If the Sandman was also after Pitch where would he be searching _first_?

"Um..." Jack said cautiously, not quite sure how to greet Pitch and hesitant to voice his proposition when Tooth was there. It'd be like having 'The Talk' all over again but worse and just, ugh, no.

Pitch and Tooth instantly stopped arguing to look at Jack and Bunny obviously surprised by their presence.

"Frost? Bunnymund? What are you two doing here?" Pitch demanded (sexily).

Bunny(mund? Ohhhhh Jack was going have to bring that up. later.) glared at Pitch for snapping but slowly bit out, "Looking. For. S-"

"You!" Jack quickly chimed in before Jack's (badly thought-out) plan could be revealed.

"Me? Why wou- Oh. right," Pitch sighed irritably and Jack blinked surprised. Pitch knew why they were here? Already? But he had not even told Bunny yet! Maybe Pitch thought there was another reason. Best thing to do was make sure.

"So you think Bunny, me, and you would make a great threesome too?"

Pitch looked stunned but, in a good way. Same could not be said about Bunny.

"WHAT!?"

-19-

Pitch's brain felt broken. Like Jack's casual suggestion shattered his psyche in a way it would never be repaired. Suddenly the modern slang of 'brain bleach' made perfect horrible sense to the Nightmare King. Really he'd gladly claw off his ears if it would do any good in making that offer_unheard_.

Unable to properly speak for the first time in eons, Pitch whined brokenly as he buried his face in his hands.

"What do you mean a threesome!?"

"Well Pitch thought you were adorable when you were tiny and he wanted me in Antarctica so I thought-"

_As FAMILY! As in father and son! Maybe brothers when you grew up a little._ Pitch's mind ranted. He was **never** going to be able to look at Jack the same way after this... Bunny too.

"Pitch," Tooth whispered as quietly as she dared. "I'd rather not hurt them. We should leave while they're distracted. Come on."

"So what the bloody hell makes you think I'd share yah with Pitch, Frostbite!?"

Frowning, Pitch raised his head from hand to study the two bickering Guardians. There was something strange about that last remark...

"Pitch!" Tooth hissed urgently.

Right, time to leave. Thankfully, with the Guardians of Hope and Fun in his lair Pitch knew exactly where it was safe to go.


	7. Chapter 7

author's note: Sorry for the wait. Crack takes a special mood to write. Another ship might have ninja'd its way into this story btw.

To darthcat: Tooth does not have a lover. Pitch just thinks she does. He's being a little thick-headed in the sense of 'Well, she can't possibly like me so it must be option C.'

- 20 -

Sandy did not really hope to find Pitch in his lair but, he and Tooth weren't at Punjam Hy Loo and it could not hurt to check. As he entered the entrance Sandy was surprised to hear raised if indistinguishable voices. Perhaps Tooth and Pitch were here after all.

Strange, Sandy would have thought they'd go to the tooth palace so the fairies could help fight off other suitors or help ravage Pitch. It was sort of hard to tell how separate Tooth was from her fairies. But if Tooth could that do with Pitch then she could enjoy him from multiple perspectives and that sounded pretty impressive. Maybe he could figure out something like that with dreamsand once he had Pitch to himself again?

With a silent sigh emphasized by a breath of dreamsand, Sandy focused once more on locating Pitch and rescuing him from Tooth. He could figure out how to ravish the Nightmare King afterwards.

Now that he could hear the voices better though he almost slumped his shoulders in defeat. It was just Bunny and Jack, probably having the same idea as him.

" - can't bloody believe you! Of all the dumb ideas, you certainly outdid yourself Frostbite!" Bunny snarled, throwing up his arms in aggravation.

Jack bowed his head and clutched his staff a little tighter before looking back up at the pooka. "Uh... just so we're clear, are you mad about me lying about Sophie missing or the threesome idea?"

Th-threesome? Sandy's jaw-dropping merely echoed his fall to the floor. What on Earth were the two arguing about? A threesome with who? Pitch? Who would want to share Pitch and not have that glorious body all to themselves? Although... no, no. Wouldn't work. As pretty as Tooth's feathers look they weren't that comfortable and Sandy desired only the best for his dreamcloud bed; like Pitch. And maybe North.

Pitch was simply just so sinuously appealing, like a snake or a blanket you just wanted to be wrapped up in. With North, well there was simply so much to him and all of it was soft and warm. Really Sandy thought North would be almost as good as Pitch if North wasn't such a sprawler. No one liked a bed hog.

"Either! Both! Take your pick! I don't even know why you thought a threesome was a good idea," Bunny shouted as he started to pace in front of Jack.

"Well, like I said, Pitch flirted with me in Antarctica and with you when were all in Burgess so I thought that maybe-" Jack hurriedly explained, the words rushing out of his mouth.

"I don't share," Bunny said sharply, cutting off Jack's hasty explanation. "Certainly not with Pitch."

Frowning, Sandy thought over Bunny's words. There was something strange about them...

Of course that was when North arrived, through a snowglobe portal, boisterously shouting for Pitch.

Scowling, Sandy remembered the other reason Pitch was better than North. The former bandit was simply too loud.

-21-

"The Warren? Bunny's Warren is your best idea of a hiding spot?" Tooth demanded as she looked around, skeptical.

"It's underground which makes us less visible and it's not like the pooka has living helpers like... everyone... else," Pitch explained though his voice trailed off as he and Tooth slowly became surrounded by angry-faced Egg sentinels.

"Oh." Pitch muttered with some despair. He could have thought this through a bit better.

"Yes," Tooth said with a weary exasperation, "You really should have."

Looking away from the Sentinels, probably not the best thing to do, Pitch glared at Tooth. "Need I remind you that I do not need your assistance if it troubles you so? Just go hide-away wherever your lover is until this farce is over."

Tooth's feathers flared out before smoothing tightly along her body. Ooooh, he made her _furious_. Pitch always liked it when-

"Lover! Hah! You idiot, I don'- ah! Hey!" Tooth cried out as the Egg Sentinels attacked her.

Pitch watched on in bemused amusement as the large stone eggs worked to shove Tooth away from him. "See? Even animated rocks see you are no longer needed," Pitch said smugly before noticing not all the Egg Sentinels were chasing Tooth away.

In fact the ones surrounding him him had their smiley-faces displayed.

Pitch stared, growing incredulous, "No." Animated rocks!? The spell was even effecting animated egg-shaped rocks?

How was that-

What even-

Un-Fucking-Believable.

"This is bullshit," Pitch declared before one of the happily smiling Egg Sentinels shoved him roughly to the ground.

Or at least, Pitch thought he was being shoved to the ground. Apparently the Sentinel's intention was to get him crowd-surfed by googies. Every time Pitch managed to stand up, which was harder to do than it seemed, a Sentinel would body-bash him back onto the surprisingly sturdy eggs. Following rather futilely was Tooth, in part because the Sentinels kept halting her progress and in part because she couldn't fly far without losing control from laughing.

The whole ridiculous parade finally ended in the field where Pitch imagined the googies were hatched and hard-boiled.

Giggling, Tooth flew to sit down beside Pitch and the horde of cuddling eggs. "The mighty Pitch Black, brought low by little eggs with twiggy feet," she teased.

"Oh, go ahead and laugh; you certainly did not mind earlier," Pitch grumbled but even he was rather amused by it all. He did not even realize he was smiling at Tooth until she started to stare him.

Scowling and quickly turning his head away, Pitch called himself all kinds of fool. He was giving too much away.

-22-

"Ah! Friends! It is good to see you but, where is Pitch?" North inquired once he settled down.

"Dunno, Pitch made off with Tooth while Bunny_mund_ had a hissy fit," Jack explained, twirling his staff until it rests across his shoulders.

North frowned briefly before shrugging it off and smiling once more. "Minor setback. Good I have found you all anyways. I have solution for determining who gets Pitch," He excitedly explained.

Bunny smirked and crossed his arms as Sandy floated in closer, curious. "Oh, this oughta be good," Aster said amused.

"We... will have... contest! Like race for teeth but fighting instead!" North explained. "Yetis and elves already hard at work turning workshop into coliseum."

...

"What?"

"Do not be so negative Jack! Is good idea! We are all fighting over Pitch, best to settle it officially," North explained, slumping a little at unwell his news was received.

"hmmm, hate to say it but North's got a point there," Bunny grudgingly admitted.

Sandy looked thoughtful before nodding his agreement.

"Well... I guess it would stop everyone from trying to steal Pitch away. Or at least slow it down," jack said hesitantly as all focused on him.

Laughing joyfully, North quickly pulled the other three into a group hug. "It is settled then. Back to Pole to locate Pitch and Tooth, then battle for love!"

While Jack and Bunny floundered a little at North's sudden hug, Sandy snuggled into the tallest Guardian.

It really was a shame North had no volume control.

* * *

author's other note: yeah, the warren scene? First scene I thought up for this story. I'm positively giddy about finally reaching it. Oh and bemused means amused for those that don't know.


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